Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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