I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
