This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
