I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My pussy is not your playground.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
