My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
