At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
