The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
