Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
