K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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