sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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