I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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