oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
