I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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