DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you inspire me to be a worse person
You took a bar mat shot.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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