Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
