we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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