Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
