why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
