Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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