My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
