Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Is her dick bigger than yours?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
