Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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