I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
