on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
