What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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