The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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