sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
