Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
