Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
