it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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