btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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