we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
