When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
