you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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