Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
