Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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