When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
