You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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