Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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