hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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