I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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