...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
