Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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