everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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