I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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