The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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