my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
