One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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