farters have to be the big spoon...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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