we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My pussy is not your playground.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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